Soon…

Soon enough the streets of my beloved city are gonna be lined with gold.

Soon…

So soon, when you walk on the sidewalk, you’ll be able to hear a delicate crunch with every step you take.

Soon…

…the clouds would gather around. The sky would close. The world would go dark and so would a loving heart.

Soon…

…the scent of wet soil would rise. Curtains of open windows start dancing with the wind. They’d call you. They’d call you to stand at them and smell. Take a deep breath and there it is… A drop of rain catches your cheek, encouraging eyes to shed some tears…

I miss them all but one, I need:

I need the tick-tack of rain drops on cooler channel to cover for tick-tack of the clock in my sleepless nights as I think about you…

Drizzle and I would make a symphony out of it. You just have to listen carefully…

Soon…

For a few moments I lie thinking about what happened on the day that went by. There are few things that make me smile by shining on my gray cells and few others that makes an “Ouch!” or an “Ooooh!” echo in the corridors amongst those cells!

And then come the imaginations… Fantasies…

Like a butterfly that slowly descends on a flower, they gently land on my brains, but then, as if something has scared that butterfly, quickly flies and so delicate: There’s not even a single print left. For a moment I feel the joy but with a single touch of reality-let’s say a simple noise from outside of my room- it’s gone. Yet I can’t believe it was an illusion. I know I’ve lived that single thought years; but I also know that if I look at my watch, not more than seconds (minutes top), have passed. Another time I might be feeling scared, but then again, I won’t have to worry; cuz soon enough, it’d be gone. When it happens, one would probably catch me staring at the ceiling. But I see nothing, not with my eyes…

Pathetically, I try plowing all my thoughts and still… nothing. As it never existed… Yet the sensation is so alive, I know it’s been there.

Maybe I was in an empty red opera house. On the balcony, probably… Watching an orchestra rehearse their performance before a big play. I watch them, fascinated. Then I sit on the edge backwards and another second I’ve dropped my body, down. Thrill!
What have I done? Am I gonna be dead?
I fall with the music in my ears. Everything is happening on slow motion. The eyes of a musician catches me in the air. He (I don’t know if he’s actually a he cuz he’s not a main character and the extras all look the same ) starts to gawk. Little by little and so very slowly his mouth opens and his eyes grow wider. Right when I hit the ground with a thump, he drops his instrument!

And that’s it. I’ve thrown my leg aside on bed and now I’m wide awake… Conscious… One might say: Sober!

‘course, I’m not sure about any of that. It was completely hypothetical. I just remember my leg and the footprints of excitement. And even though I’m curious to find the reason, it’s gone and I’m never to find out.

A couple of weeks ago I found something to fantasize about… An angel! Now all my imaginations were her and interestingly I would remember all that was going on. All the kisses, tears, hugs… Everything! And it was really wonderful.

Alas! It ended… I had to end it.

Sometimes I really do want to go to a place like the imaginarium in the movie: Imaginarium of Dr. Parnasus! Just go there and imagine! I sure as hell know what I’d see there about three weeks ago but now… Now I can’t stop wondering what I’d see if I ever entered that fictional imaginarium!

The most probable is a blank space:

Death!

We would run in my uncle’s garden. Playing our simple games… Innocent…

We had our immaculate souls.

Today I recalled a magic. In that same garden we once found a dandelion floret. She caught it in the air gently, then turned to me, “Make a wish and blow!”. In my innocence I wished for a day she becomes my wife; since as of that moment life was so sweet and couldn’t seem simpler.

I wished and blew.

We both sat on the edge of the pool, watching that floret go, tracking it’s path as it was in motion with the wind. As it went far, I stopped blinking. Didn’t want to lose it and I was sure that she’s not blinking either. Our eyes were sewed to that floret. It was going further and further, becoming smaller and smaller… Then it slowly faded away.

Both sat quietly. It was like an ending to a magnificent performance; a miracle!

Suddenly she said, “It went to heavens”. I looked at her with eyes that would read, “I’m older to believe that childish crap…”, but in reality I knew she was right as I was younger to deny miracles…

Defensively and with a convincing face she went on, “It’s true. Some say far far away they fall to the ground, but the truth is they suddenly disappear and go to heavens to make our wishes”.

My lips turned to a crooked smile as it was the only thing I could do…

You are my star!

I’ll stay and catch your fall…

I know when you start running

That’s when your dark brown eyes turn black and I won’t let them suck you in!

Life is like a roller coaster. Sometimes goes high, sometimes down and sometimes both, in a circle, to put you in the fucking first place. You can go down as much as you like, but for going up there’s a limit. Up around the peak you would struggle to go up…

Man is always filled with regret: “Should have”s and “Could have”s!

We regret what we’ve done and what we haven’t. Doesn’t matter how well you’ve done. Everyone feels it. The greater good is always there and nobody is to reach that.

I…. If I were to go back in time, I would do exactly as I’ve done this time. I would make the same mistakes and I won’t stop people doing what affected my life. Those very mistakes led me to be what I am… And I love what I’ve turned into.

This ship of conditions I were to fly, couldn’t be flown better.

Why is everybody looking for a solution when the problem itself could easily be removed?

Why should we have a child in the first place?

Why is this chain of generations to be continued? Enough of that crap already!

I need a logical answer.

Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan is centered on a dancer named Nina Sayers who wants the lead-dancer-part in a performance so badly that she loses the line between reality and her dark side and gets obsessed with the thought of success; as the movie starts with her dream of playing in the performance.

The ballet named “Swan Lake” based on a children’s novel written by Mark Helprin is about a good-hearted girl trapped in the shape of a white swan. Love is the only thing that has the ability to break this spell but when her prince comes, her evil twin, black swan, is there and seduces her prince. The white swan can’t bear this and kills herself.

Nina lives with her mother while she’s acting more like a sister to her; but even so, the mother has full control on her daughter.

Nina is really struggling with herself, so much that she goes nuts. Firstly she wants to get perfect for the job and secondly to be free from her mother. And in the way to achieve these, she does everything.

The vicious ruler of the company who has replaced his former dancer (and lover) with Nina, is willing to go into her pants and so with the excuse of improving her performance to do the Black Swan leads her towards his will.

Nina, strongly suspected to be a virgin, which resembles the white swan, in order to reach the so-called ‘perfection’, breaks all the taboos her mother had put. She drinks, uses ecstasy drugs and as advised by Thomas (the ruler) touches herself. All this and her obsession makes her dark-side grow and finally she’s perfect for playing the Black Swan. Of course, at the cost of losing her mind. Red eyes clearly show the growth of her dark side!

I believe that Lily (another nominate for taking the part) stands for Nina’s dark-side and so when she makes love with Lily, she’s actually touching herself and unintentionally fantasizing about her; even so for a glance she sees the devil in the fantasized Lily but her own subconscious fools her and she calms down.  In the end, she’s somehow trying to kill this dark-side of hers and she kills herself assuming she’s killed Lily (the dark-side)!!!

****

Now let’s get to the main point: criticism!

To be fair, Black Swan unlike Aronofsky’s Great Work, The Fountain, didn’t have much to say. The whole time, I couldn’t help noticing that it was a copy of “Requiem for a Dream” in a new theme. Nina is exactly going through what Sara Goldfarb (Ellen Burstyn) went through in “Requiem for a Dream”. Sara wanted to be thin for the show and Nina wants to be loose enough to play Black Swan. They both go in a phase of obsession, both of them use drugs and both fall into misery in the end. Sara and Nina experience hallucinations and get lost in them. They no longer can distinguish reality from their own imagination.

Both have the same message, “Don’t be ambitious!”

Although, the soundtrack was nothing compared to Clint Mansel’s in the “The Fountain” or “Requiem for a Dream”. ‘course the passionate moments were well sounded!

Sometimes goes by a glance on her breasts; sometimes when wasted with booze you say, “Do you wanna do it?” or at the best scenario when dancing with your lovely wife, you’d brush her lips with yours and would softly whisper in her ear, “Do you want to make a baby?”

The condom breaks; at that blurry moment of drunkenness you forget to use one and not before the next morning is that you realize you should have used it; or again at the best scenario you get what you had a whim for…

Oh, yea… The baby is born.

We’re all born on the will of an Adam and an Eve. With a joyous moment, we’ve moved through a shaft with millions of other fellas of which only one was the (un)fortunate to reach the Fallopian Tube. Though it comes not to our recollections, we’ve fought hard to be the first one in the swimming contest!

I, myself, believe in the evolution and see man no more than an intelligent being, no need to mention that I see spirituality pure crap! And so suppose the reproduction itself, basically natural for man; but…

This ‘but’ is all this note is being written for. The one ‘but’ that questions me writing and you reading this. In other words this ‘but’ is going to see what in the name of fuck we’re doing here!

Let’s say there’s a  contest in which the winner gets a prize and ones who fail are to be punished. Kinda like a lottery, I mean. I say, you can’t force one to take part in this game and if you do, it’s no fair. Then considering the so-called “Lord” all kind, just and merciful; there can’t be a heaven or a hell!

***

So, the baby grows up.

If he/she’s all healthy and his Adam and Eve are rich financially, living in peace, he/she spends a great deal of his life in relief.

Alas… Few do!

Many are born with congenital disorders and have to live their life and grow old with ‘em. They must suffer a whole life, not being able to see, hear, walk or speak like others. Innocent!

Many are born and immediately put on the pavement, ending up in an orphanage. Forever bearing the titles ‘orphaned’ and ‘bastard’. Innocent!

Many are born to grow up and be the onlooker of two of them, shouting curses. Seeing the Eve getting beat by Adam. Going to a corner they raise their tiny hands and whisper (the way no one could hear) to a God that doesn’t exist, “God, please, make them stop fighting!”. Innocent!

Many are born to get used to Adam and Eve. To begin loving them, be dependent to them. And when Adam and Eve get a divorce they go along. Poor things love them both. He/She misses the one that’s not living with him/her. And he/she can do nothing. Few survive undamaged! The others make criminals outta themselves. Some end up hung by a rope! Innocent!

Many are born to see others in nice clothes, expensive cars and this-and-that while they themselves don’t have a roof to live under. Obligated to labor just to have something to eat. Obligated to waste all the talents they’ve got. Innocent!

***

As said, no one is to criticize animals for what they do, regardless of the consequences. But that intelligent being (us), is responsible for what he/she does.

It makes me go nuts when those who object the tradition of “Eye for the Eye!” and say no one is allowed to take life from another human, simply let themselves give life!

Let’s finally get to the point and ask, “Why on the earth would we want to have a baby?”

Is a whim enough to bring someone to this world by force? How dare we make an innocent being go through all of this?

What’s the point? What are we, ourselves, living for? Is there a goal or something? Or we just believe in a bunch of crap? The great beyond, the greater good! )

I don’t know if there was a condom or not

I don’t know if I was meant to come or it was a joyous act that accidentally brought me

I just live!

Do the same if you can…

Kill yourself otherwise!

The only boundaries are the ones you make!

I was three, I guess, when the idea flashed in my mind.

Pretty amazed I was of my dreams and the thought wouldn’t leave me

That what would happen if I dream while dreaming… Dream in dream! And what if I’m already dreaming when I THINK I’m awake!

One may say pretty big philosophic bite for a three-years-old-kid’s mouth. But the truth is, kids scrutinize things they see. Living in this chaos has made us oblivious to the wonders we face every second of our life. By paying a bit of attention, you can see our little ones gawking all the time, trying to make sense outta this chaos!

Anyway… As said, the idea was not new to me but the fantasy is one of my favorites and the condition that “I would dream if I sleep” is pleasant! Maybe pushes me off the edge when I stay up late!

But the point is… What if we’re already dreaming? What if there’s an unlimited series of dreams that we’re at the bottom of. The very last layer of dream and yet when we sleep we go even deeper and deeper.

Maybe each time we wake up, we’ve spent thousands… I dunno… billions of years!

Smells like bullshit, huh?

Or let’s go backward for a little bit and be the gawking kid we used to be.

What the fuck is DREAM?

I spent a great deal of my life believing in spirituality till I found myself misled and lost my faith… my so-called faith that was inherited from my father and his was from his father and so on. But ever since, there are things I can’t explain…

It has occurred to me several times that what we know as reality and dream crossed ways. For example, in my dream I’m seeing a train that is going to run over my leg. The very second it hits, my cousin in real world kicks my leg. Or dream of a spinning wheel, the second it stops, the phone in the real world rings.

Maybe it’s a false illusion our brain causes or I don’t know it’s the soul getting back to the body.

All is a mysterious complex!

Good Dreams

Or good waking up(s)!

Pomegranate and melon are known for being served in this special night. People stay up late and spend it by reading poems, mostly of the great poet, Khaje Mohammad Hafez Shirazi. Usually men gather at the greatest man of the family’s and celebrate the night there.

This year I had it with my lads, though mom insisted that I have to be home (and a big load of complaints afterwards ). We went to Shabnam’s, a friend of mine and had the birthday party of my other friend, Behnam too!

Though we didn’t have booze, it was fun with all the dancing, jellies, nuts, pomegranate and melon.

We  also broke the habit and read Shamloo (another great poet) instead of Haafez.

In the end, Shabnam said something I hadn’t heard of. That the myth says, Shab-e Yalda (Winter Solstice) is the day Sun was born and it hypothetically is Sun’s birthday.

Happy birthday Sun! Love ya!